The Lazy Housewife's Guide To Having A Sort-Of Clean House.

I love having a super sparkly spotless house as much as the next girl. Nothing thrills me more than looking at my hardwood floors and seeing nothing but shiny-ness and the absence of dog hair and crumbs. But, umm, hi, I have two kids and a dog and errands to run and playdates to make and when I'm averaging 2.5 showers a week, scrubbing the floors on my hands and knees isn't exactly a priority. So today I was thinking about all of the ways I manage to cut corners on housework and then I thought, "Man, it's a wonder that my house is not covered in mold and that we don't have an ant infestation." But it's not! On 6 out of 7 days of the week, I could proudly have company over and not have them run back to their car shrieking something about calling the Department of Human Services. As long as they don't open that closet door in the hallway.

1. Pizza boxes from last night? Go in the oven. Because the outside trash bin is full.

2. Spray Lysol on a bunch of stuff because then at least the house will smell clean.

3. When you've just swept and inevitably notice that you forgot to wipe the countertops off first? Sweep the crumbs off the counters into that little space between the cabinets and the refrigerator or stove.

4. The doorbell rings and there is an unannounced visitor at your house. Quickly kick all small toys and bits of paper and crayons under the couch or coffee table.

5. Don't have time to sweep? Put your 9 month old in some footed pajamas and let him crawl around the kitchen on his belly.

6. Keep refilling that big pot in the kitchen sink with hot water and dish soap. People will think that you're just letting it soak instead of realizing that it's actually been sitting there since last Thursday.

7. When all else fails, just walk around the house with a huge garbage bag and throw everything you see away. Tell the three year old that the dog ate her Polly Pockets because she left them sitting on the floor.

I Give Up.

I had a blog post in mind for today, but it is turning out to be one of those days where things keep piling up and I have too much to get done and here are some pictures instead.











*Those of you who know me know how much this picture makes me want to throw up. Princess nightgown made of almost 100% polyester. Princess rollerskates. My God, I'm one step away from turning into Roseanne.

The Reason For All Of This.

Diapers, whining, bickering, time outs, spills to mop up, crayon on walls, more whining, stepping on blocks and Barbies, lots of laundry, and lots more whining. There are days that I think to myself, "You know how everyone says that this will go by so very quickly and that I will actually MISS it? Could someone call me right this minute and tell me that little story again?" And yet. There is this: Ella playing playdoh at the table, cutting out about twenty hearts in different colors. "Happy Heart Day, Mom!, she says. "What's Heart Day, Ella?, I ask. She gets up from the table, stands beside me, and cups her tiny hand over my ear. In a giggly whisper I hear, "It's Happy Heart Day today because my heart feels so happy when you're with me." And my heart breaks in a million little pieces in a good way, and I realize that I would change a thousand more diapers and scrub every wall in this house ten times a day to have the privilege of hearing her little voice tell me that.

How A Three Year Old Can Reduce Me To A Stammering Fool.

I consider myself a fairly intelligent person. Heck, by the standards I see when I shop at Walmart, I am a freaking genius. So how is it that a three year old girl, who last summer was still peeing in her pants and flinging food at the dinner table can one-up me in a conversation about 90% of the time? What starts as a conversation about why the sky is blue can turn into a discussion on the inner workings of a manufacturing plant in a matter of minutes.

"Mom, why is the sky blue?"
"Because it reflects the water or something like that."
"Mom, why is water blue?"
"Because it reflects the sky, er, yeah."
"That doesn't make sense. Why?"
"Because water molecules evaporate and float up into the sky and clouds and, um, reflection."
"What's reflection?"
"When something looks like something else in something else, kind of like a mirror."
"But why?"
"Because light bounces off of a hard surface and we see it as the same thing."
"Did God make mirrors?"
"Well, God made the stuff that mirrors are made out of and then people actually make the mirrors."
"But HOW does a person make a mirror? I want to make one."
"Well, mirrors are made in a factory with lots of machines to help make them."
"I thought you said PEOPLE make mirrors."
"Well, yes, but they use machines to help them."
"Why?"
"Because there is no possible way for a human being to just MAKE a mirror without a machine helping them to do it."
"Why?"
"Because people are not strong enough to make all of those mirrors by themselves and they need help."
"Oh. Okay. Mom? What's a factory?"

Head explodes all over the kitchen table.

And Now, Back To Our Regularly Scheduled Programming.

Whew! What a month. Things around here have been cuh-razy, both in the "we have a million things to do today" sense and the "holy hell, life is kicking the crap out of me right now" sense. I had the best intentions of updating this blog about a hundred times in the last month or so, but then life always seemed to get in the way of my best laid plans. Things are beginning to calm down, though, so I'm baaack!

Updates. Ella is busy building block towers for her tiny little princess dolls, painting, playing dress up, learning to actually enjoy (!!!) playing with Charlie now that he can play and laugh at her and follow her around, and just generally being wonderful. We are preparing for her first day of school in a couple of weeks, and I have mixed emotions about this, to say the least. On one hand: Oh my word, I will have five hours a day, twice a week, without hearing "But WHY???" seventeen hundred times a day, and I may actually get to sit down and enjoy the silence when Charlie naps. On the other hand: Waaaaaahhh. I cannot believe that she is at this stage already...wasn't it just yesterday that she was saying her first word and stumbling around the house like a drunk midget (sorry, "little person") learning to walk? Now we are picking out lunchboxes and backpacks and she is so very excited to be a "big girl" now.

From this:



To this, in no time flat:






Charlie has really changed since the last time I updated this thing. Crawling! Teeth! Loud, nasty screams when he is mad at you for taking away that safety pin or that golf tee that he fished out of some corner of the house! Ahhh, how I had forgotten both the pros and cons of this age. He is WAY more fun now, what with the giggling and the army crawling around the house, but he has also realized "Mom? I do not much care for it when you tell me not to do something, and I am damn well gonna let you know about it. Maybe for an hour or so." But for the most part he is a joy ( and by "most part", I do NOT mean the part about the 5:30am wake-up calls I get every. single. morning.)






All in all, we are doing well, and now that things have turned around for the better and we are back to a somewhat normal state of being, I am looking forward to actually keeping this bloggy-blog updated more than once a month.