Ways To Make Me Want To Punch You In The Face.

1. When I say that I am really, really tired because Charlie has decided to wake up every hour all night long and not go back to sleep until I rock him all the way to sleep and/or let him sleep on my chest sitting up, say one of the following things in response: A) Oh, I had (insert absurd number of children here) kids and I survived! YOU WILL TOO, I promise! B) Did you try (insert basic childcare technique here, such as changing diaper or feeding or burping)? That always worked for ME. First of all, I do not care how many kids you had or have or how soon they were sleeping through the night or how well YOU coped with having many, many children. The fact that you had fourteen kids and survived has no bearing on me right now. This fact does not make me any more gleeful about pacing the floor with a screaming infant until there is an actual path worn into the carpet, because HEY! YOU did it, so I can, too! It still sucks, no matter if you've done it once, twice, or a hundred times with multiple kids. So shut up. And hey THANKS! Nope, it didn't occur to me that he might be screaming because he was HUNGRY! I just forgot all about the fact that newborns eat every couple of hours, and didn't even think to try feeding him!!! Of course I tried all of that, idiot. And you know who you are. Appropriate responses to me saying that I am really, really tired: A) "I'm so sorry that he's not sleeping well for you, could I get a very large cup of coffee?" or B) "I'm so sorry he's not sleeping well for you, I'll be over in five minutes to watch the kids so you can take a 4 hour nap."

2. Tell me to just "let it go" when I complain that the house is a wreck and I do not foresee any time being devoted to cleaning it up in the next, oh, four months. Just because you learned to live with mountains of laundry and piles upon piles of dishes in the sink does not mean that I have to do the same. I am not used to having disorder and filth in my house, and it sucks. Yes, I will learn to live with it, but I do not have to enjoy it or embrace it. Appropriate response: "Oh, I'm so sorry you haven't had time to do the dishes in 2 weeks, I'll be over in 5 minutes to clean your house top to bottom for you." OR I could get a sudden knock on the door, and it would be the maid service that you hired for me to come clean my house 4 times a week.

3. Breathe on me/look at me/talk to me in the wrong tone, 'cause I'm just a smidge irritable from lack of sleep. Yes, I know it will get better, but it's not better yet, so shut up.