Friday, January 23, 2009
Things are not all the way back to normal, but they are better. Infinitely better than they were just 3 days ago, even. The horrible feelings that I can do nothing right and that everyone would be better off without me screwing up everything are gone. I can see past the small instances of stress while they are happening, instead of having a panic attack because things will NEVER. GET. BETTER. EVEEERRRR. I can look at Charlie waking up in the middle of the night crying as what it is: a temporary thing that will pass soon enough. Last week I would lay in the dark, gripped by some fear of him waking up, even though I didn't know WHY exactly, because all I ever do when he wakes up is feed him and put him back down when he is asleep again. I can let him cry for 30 seconds while I fix his bottle and be fine with that instead of having my heart beating in my throat, palms sweating, hands shaking. I can look at the calendar on the refrigerator and plan for the months to come, instead of putting a little black "x" on a certain date, telling myself that if things got bad enough and horrible enough and I had ruined everything enough, I could just end it for myself. I have more compassion for people dealing with depression and anxiety problems, because it makes you feel crazy, all while your sane self is sitting by saying "WHAT is your problem? This is ridiculous, just stop it already." I can look at my kids and know that I am not screwing them up (yet), they are just fine, healthy, and thriving. I can do my absolute best each and every day to juggle the needs of both children, between the many feedings a day, diapers, playtime, hugs, discipline, and kisses. And that is good enough, I know now.